Comments on some Scots Poetry

Another commentary marathon!

It’s nae delight tae be a hen 
Wi clooks an claws an caimb
Reestin wi the rottans
In a hen-hoose for a hame.


Nae sunner div I settle doon 
My clutch o bairns tae hatch 
The fairm-wife come – a scraunin pest – 
She cowps me aff me cosy nest 
A tarry- fingert vratch.

Jist lately, though, she’s changed her tune – 
Ma plaitie’s piled wi corn. 

Me: PLATIE? REALLY? This reminds me of a bootleg toy that had the line "For one childie and up.

“Sup up, ma bonnie quine,” says she, 
“We’re haein broth the morn!”

Me: At first, I thought that she was referring to a woman she's married to (not that there's anything WRONG with that) but then I realized she was talking about her daughter.

Me: Second one!

‘You’re so fond of wasting time, Neil Paterson,’ said Miss McTavish, ‘you can spend the whole morning doing just that. As your punishment for not handing in your homework today, you can sit and twiddle your thumbs in the classroom on Friday while the rest of the school visits the Dinosaur Exhibition.’Could she nae hae gaen me an ordinary punnie, like lines, or sums, or missin gym? Bit na, nae her. Nae Miss McTavish. My ma says Miss McTavish maun ett nasty peels tae makk her sae ill-nayturet. Ye dinna need tae watch a horror movie tae get a fleg – jist come intae oor class an see Miss McTavish. Frankenstein’s monster himself wid rin frae HER.

must eat 

fright‘Dinna fash yersel, ma loon,’ ma da tellt me. ‘Yer cousin, Dauvit, saw the dinosaur exhibition doon in Embro. He says it’s jist a puckle clockwork beasties that hodge frae ae fit ontae anither an gie a bit roar. He says he’s haenmair excitement at a Sunday school picnic on a weet Setterday efterneen.’

few,  hop 
foot 
had 
Bit I kent da jist said thon tae cheer me up, and I wis gey hinin-luggit last Friday fin the ither loons an quines gaed ontae the bus wi their packed lunches. ‘Never mind, Neil,’ said Maisie Duthie, ‘Ye’ll be haein schule denners. Likely it’ll be mince an tatties, wi ice cream efter.’
down-hearted, boys 
and girls 

‘Ay,’ quo Sannie Birnie, ‘I’ll bring ye back dinosaur’s tae clippins if I win near eneugh.’ I brichtened up at yon. Efter the class hid line up like a raw o penguins, Miss McTavish roared an gurred at them aa a whyle.


snarled‘There will be NO carry-on at the exhibition,’ she warned them. ‘I haven’t forgotten it was one of this class who ate a tin of chocolate gifted by Queen Victoria to her gallant Gordon in Africa. I only hope the person concerned had an extremely sore tummy.’She kent fine it wis me, tho she cudna prove it. The Gordon Highlander Museum shouldna leave oot chocolates tae tempt bairns, even if they ARE a hunner year aul.

hundred 
years oldAff they set fur the bus leavin me masel in the classroom. I wis gey weariet bidin there, I tell ye. I powkit aboot ma desk, an caad the styew frae the blackboard cloot, an drew a picture o Miss McTavish on the boord wi a mowser that suited her rale weel. Bitsyne I even grew scunnered o yon. I put ma heidie doon on ma desk an shut ma een.by myself 
staying, 
knocked, dust 
cloth 
moustache 
soon 
Tam Forbes, the jannie, powked his heid roon the door. ‘Weel, weel, if it’s nae Neil Paterson – the verra loon I wis wintin. Maisie Duthie telt me ye waur here.’ I cockit ma lugs an listened. Tam Forbes is a fine jannie.

Me: Does he have arthritis in his index fingers from playing space invaders?:bademoticon: :bademoticon:    If so, he should probably stop using the L AND R BUTTONS TO SHOOT!              :bademoticon:                :bademoticon:     

Aabody caas him Quasimodo cause he rings the bell an his a gammie leg, bit he disna rage or girn like Miss McTavish – I’ve seen couthier Rottweillers than Miss McTavish!

‘Ye see, Neil,’ said Tam, ‘Friday’s the day I redd up the classroom pets for the wikken. Nane of the cleaners will dae it since Class 3’s rat, Speedy, ran aff an ett the register. Bit a big loon like you, ye’d hae the job daen in nae time. There’s 50p in my pooch for ye if ye’re feenished afore dennertime.’clean 

I didna need twa tellins – I wis aff like a hare tae Room 1, Miss Innes’s class, far the infants bide. Miss Innes keeps a rubbit caad Fuskers in a run in the neuk – a richt bosker o a beast wi lugs as big as bananas. Efter I gaed Fuskers clean strae an a sup carrots an lettuce I tuik him up in ma bosie an we toured the classie. The littlins are daein a project on fishin, seein oor schule’s in Aiberdeen, tho if ony o yon fish on the waa swam inno a net they’d caa a hole in it as big’s a barrel. It’s herrin we hae in Aiberdeen, nae sharks, bit I suppose the infants hae a job cutting oot wi shears. Fuskers wis rale teen wi the fish, bit fin he tried tae chaw the mobile o the fishin fleet, I tuik him back tae his run an left him there fur bein ill-tricket.


Room Fower’s Miss Mitchell’s classie. They hae twa gerbils caad Bacon an Eggs. Bacon’s broon an Eggs is fite an they baith lowp like puddocks! The gerbils bide in a plastic hoose like a kinno gerbil multi-storey – wi their ain playgrun tae keep them entertained. Miss Mitchell’s class are daein a project on North Sea ile. My da wirks  aff shore on a rig, sae I wis rale diverted raikin aboot in Room Fower. There wis a muckle paper mashe model o a rig, wi paper divers at its foun an toilet rolls for gas pipes leadin frae the boddom tae a muckle chart on the waa aside Bacon an Eggs’ hoose, wi aa different eeses o ile that wid jist bumbaze ye. I lat Bacon doon the pipes an Eggs efter him an they’d a fine dander roon the rig while I cleaned oot their hoose an teemed some seeds inno their bowl. I bedd a guid while in Room Fower, luikin ower the charts an picters o the ile fields, syne I catched Bacon an Eggs on the rig wi a jam jar an teemed them inno their hoose.

mE:Room FOWER? WHAT IS THIS GUY, A PILOT?     N


By half past ten I’d twa mair classies tae gang till! The Deputy Heid’s in Room nummer sax, that’s Mr Bruce. I’d tae be gey cannie wi his pets – the Primary 7s are breedin puddocks an the taddies hiv new-grown legs wi the tails nae drappit aff their docks yet. The watter wisglaury an slivery. I’d tae watch an nae loss ony puddocks doon the sink cheengin the watter. An they need a sup meat anna, fur they turn intae cannibals an ett ane anither if they’re hungeret.



Mr Bruce his a muckle collage on the back waa. ‘The Silver City by the Sea: Aberdeen Through the Ages’. There’s war poems on’t be local fowk, an the toun motto ‘Bon Accord’, an the coats o arms o the gentry. Ower in a far neuk Mr Bruce hid a clan map wi the North East tartans on it – Gordon, Farquharson, Forbes, and awheen mair. He’d a tape recorder ahin the door wi tales o Auld Aiberdeen on it – aa aboot bogles an warlocks an even slavery. I didna think Tam Forbes, the jannie, wid gee his ginger if I jist sat doon a while an listened till’t. I wish I hid Mr Bruce as a dominie an nae Miss McTavish – some o yon tales wad hae made yer hair curl they war that feary.









The hinmaist pet wis the quatest, Tibbie the tortoise in Room 10, Mrs Hardie’s class. ‘Dance Around the World’ wis her project. I thocht yon wad be gey borin for the loons fin I saw the picturs o ballerinas an Heilan dancers, Dutch clog dancers, an Indian temple dancers. Bit ower bi the blackboord the class hid papered the waa wi aa mabest singers….Madonna, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston an a puckle mair. Fin I pit on Mrs Hardie’s tape recorder the tap twenty records blared oot, rap, an rave, an disco tunes.





Seein naebody wis there tae watch me, I practised ma disco dauncin. There’s a junior disco at the youth club on Setterday nicht an I’d like tae daunce wi Maisie Duthie if she’ll let me. Tibbie the tortoise didna think much o the soun, bit I didna forget ma job. I dichtit her shell wi a polish cloot in time tae the music. I think she wis gled tae gang back inno her cosy boxie o strae.





Syne Tam Forbes chappit on the door. ‘I didna ken ye were a disc jockey in the makkin,’ quo he. ‘It’s jist as weel we’ve the schule tae wirsels. Here’s 50p fur reddinup the pets an twa packets o monster munch crisps fur missin the dinosaurs.’

Me: Really? You get called a DJ in training for  spinning a turtle shell? I would imagine you would get that title by playing DJ Hero, if nothing else!



Maisie Duthie an the rest o the bairns cam back efter dennertime. “Puir Neil,” quo she. ‘Wis ye awfuscunnered bidin yersel?’

I didna say ay an I didna say na fur Miss McTavish wad hae bin in a fizz if she kent the kinno foreneen I’d haen tae masel.
kind of morning‘Ye cud mak up for it bi letting me dance wi ye at the disco,’ I telt Maisie. ‘An ye can tell me aa aboot the dinosaurs on the wye hame.’‘Tae tell the truth,’ quo Maisie, ‘we niver saw the dinosaurs. The bus broke doon at the Brig o Don an bi the time a new bus arrived it wis time tae gang back tae schule.’

So I niver DID get a dinosaur’s tae-clippins, bit there wis a plastic brontosaurus in ma packet o Monster Munch that naebody else in the class hid gotten!

FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB*TTTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH!                                                             Please don't use that inaccurate, outdated junior synonym you FOOL!!!!!! Your friends are out learning about stuff like feathered dinosaurs and to not fall for misconceptions, and you're stuck in the dark ages of paleontology!!! WHAT ELSE DO YOU BELIEVE? HUMANS AND DINOSAURS LIVED AT THE SAME TIME? OVIRAPTOR WAS A SCALY EGG THIEF? VELOCIRAPTOR WAS A REPTILIAN GIANT WHO COULD BEAT OUT STEVEN HAWKING IN A BATTLE OF WITS? T.REX MADE THE SAME SOUNDS IT DID IN JURASSIC PARK , LACKED FEATHERS, AND DRAGGED ITS TAIL ON THE GROUND? STEGOSAURUS HAD A SECOND BRAIN BETWEEN ITS BACK LEGS? WHAT?! 

And that's the end... for now... and now here's a series of feathered dinosaur pics... Enjoy.


Oviraptor (Name means: Egg thief, even though what it was doing with the nest was PROTECTING IT FROM SANDSTORMS!)



Tyrannosaurus Rex (Name means: Tyrant Lizard King)

Velociraptor (Name means: Fast Thief)

Troodon (Name means: Wounding tooth) [This is the smartest dinosaur to exist]

Concavenator (Name means: Dome Backed hunter)

Yutyrannus (Name means: Feathered Tyrant)

Sinosauropteryx (Name means: Winged Chinese Lizard)

Microraptor (Name means: Small Thief)

Coelophysis (Name means: Hollow Form)

Citipati (Name means: Funeral Pyre Lord)

 the  out!